"Breaking Down Barriers: Embracing Vulnerability for Black Women"

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When are we, as Black Women, going to stop complaining about who doesn’t hold space for us when we don’t hold space for ourselves and one another. Should we somehow expect everyone else to treat us by a standard that we, ourselves, don’t live by?

I notice, whether it's personally or on social media, the lack of vulnerability that black women have with ourselves and one another. We come off so guarded and don’t allow room for compassion and empathy. When Tamar and Toni Braxton’s niece, Ashlee Braxton, took to social media to share her feeling isolated by her Aunts and family due to a traumatic event that she experienced in her family, I noticed something.

I noticed how it was more women commenting on her speaking out on the matter, whether it was to judge or to champion her own to expose or speak out to who it was. It was less comments that were just supportive and nurturing on her being so vulnerable despite it being a traumatic event. As black women we seek a space to speak on our vulnerabilities without being judged or pressured but somehow we forget to be that for one another.

How often have you been vulnerable with a girlfriend about issues in regards to relationships, the workplace, finance or family only to feel like you’re being judged. You get the “I told you so, but you don’t listen to me”, “Well, if you would do this..”, “You just like such and such..”. And in no way am I saying that your friend shouldn’t be honest and tell you the real even if you might not want to hear it. Listen, I’m all for holding each other accountable because change comes first with us changing ourselves. However, I think it’s the way you do it. Who said that accountability had to be belittling, harsh, and judgmental? I know the saying goes “The truth hurts” but I don’t believe the quote was referring to the way we deliver the truth. It’s just that the truth can be hard to swallow when we don’t want to face what it actually is.

A major part of getting others to make space for black women’s emotional and mental needs starts with us making space for ourselves and one another. How we start creating this space is to become vulnerable and less guarded with ourselves and each other by understanding why we’re so guarded, why we should be more vulnerable, and how we lower our guard or wall.

Some of our mother issues come from being emotionally or physically abused because we never hear “I love you”, “I’m proud of you”,

REASONS WHY WE ARE GUARDED

It’s many reasons why we can be guarded as individuals. One of the most common reasons why we’re guarded as individuals is due to our lack of trust. Sometimes that lack of trust stems from some type of childhood trauma. Whether those traumas have to do with abandonment and neglect or some form of abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological), we learn to not easily trust people (adults) and find ourselves guarding ourselves from more hurtful disappointments. We start putting up guards like we’re expecting the worst without really leaning into the “hoping for the best” part.

A good bit of us, black women, struggled with the feeling of abandonment being raised by grandma, auntie, or someone in the family other than our mother, which creates mother issues. Some of our mother issues come from being emotionally or physically abused because we never hear “I love you”, “I’m proud of you”, and we were constantly taking hits with the most vicious words along with them hands. No blame to our mothers because I’m sure this stems back from generational curses of neglect and abuse handed down from generation to generation. 

Then you have the daddy issues of never having one around or around long enough to know the positive impact of having a father. Some of our daddy issues stem from abuse as well affecting our relationships with men as we get older. Which causes us to put up walls or be guarded with men who mean us well but we can’t see behind the trigger wall we’ve used to protect us.

The mommy and daddy issues make it difficult to look at people with trust when you were raised with so many hurtful disappointments and unfortunate circumstances. Now here it is, to only grow into the beautiful black woman you are and have to be stereotyped and discriminated against because of your culture and ethnicity. You worked hard through school to get the grades and the position despite your toxic upbringing, only to get neglected and overlooked. But they said if you worked hard enough you could be anything you wanted. However, they didn’t tell you that wasn’t going to guarantee you the promotion or position. And even if you got the position you might not get the pay because your complexion doesn’t benefit you for upward mobility in the workforce.

Now you face the lack of trust in a country that created a system to keep you doubtful and inconsistent. You see how much they care about your social, wellness, and economic needs and realize they don’t care at all. So who cares? It’s the traumas of growing up and the traumas of living in a world that treats you the same way your toxic upbringing did. So why would I dare show my weakness, my traumas, in a world that’s known to prey on the weak? There’s no space or room to be vulnerable when you have to be ready and prepared to survive at all times because all I’ve known is struggle, pain, and strife.

You being self aware of your strengths and weaknesses is what gives you the confidence to be who you are.

REASONS WHY WE SHOULD BE VULNERABLE

But when you think about it, who wants to live in survival mode? I mean, is that even living? That would be synonymous with always looking over your back embracing for the impact of “expecting the worst”. Where’s the room to be happy, free, and loved? We are at the top of the food chain but yet we’re living as if we’re constantly expecting to be eaten by this animal called “society”. Is there really such a thing as living life without challenges? We’re challenged everyday in life and they aren’t going away regardless of how challenging they are. So when do I start living?

Despite what we may think, there is strength in being vulnerable. To be able to not worry or fear people seeing your weakness and failures takes a level of courage. It’s like throwing caution to the wind when we lean into our vulnerability because you aren’t consumed with being disappointed, used, and abused. You radiate a level of confidence because you don’t allow your flaws or imperfections to define who you are. You being self aware of your strengths and weaknesses is what gives you the confidence to be who you are.

It’s a level of security of knowing that I can live and stop surviving because surviving isn’t living and living isn’t surviving. Enjoying the present moment is living and that takes a level of vulnerability. Being open to the challenges as well as the success that life brings is being vulnerable because you’re able to navigate either or. You won’t find yourself so uptight waiting for the moment when life starts to fall apart again. You look at every moment as an opportunity. Whether it’s an opportunity to learn and gain wisdom or it’s an opportunity for great things to come and abundance. 

When you’re more vulnerable you have better relationships with romantic partners, friends, and family. You’ll be more inviting and less judgmental. People tend to feel more welcomed with people they can be themselves around, and that’s typically because they don’t feel judged about who they are. You may find yourself building more real relationships and attracting more genuine people because you don’t mind allowing people in. You won’t be so hyper-independent where you feel as though you don’t need anyone and you can do life all on your own because you can’t trust or depend on anyone.

Being present, being receptive, being open are all things that allow you to live a life without struggle. You get to actually enjoy life and attract more of the things that you desire such as love, genuine connections, success, and whatever else it is that you want out of life.

HOW CAN WE LOWER OUR GUARD AND BECOME MORE VULNERABLE

Typically when we’re so guarded it’s because we’re operating more into our masculine energy and there’s not enough of our feminine energy to balance it out. Tapping into our feminine energy is how we can become more vulnerable and lower our guards down. Our feminine energy has to do with being open and receptive, compassionate, understanding, intuitive and nurturing. These are all the qualities that allow us to be vulnerable with ourselves and others. If you don’t know how to tap into your feminine energy you can start by spending time with yourself, quietly in silence, and doing activities with yourself. 

I have my monthly workshop coming up called: The Power Of Feminine Energy. By becoming a member of my online community Attract Your Tribe, you will learn about how to understand, activate, and balance your feminine energy. By knowing the power of your feminine energy you’ll be able to see how you can gain success and happiness off of the strength of your femininity. You don’t have to feel like this is a man’s world so you have to operate like a man. Absolutely not! You can operate in who you are, your strengths and weaknesses and gain the same accomplishments.

With tapping into our feminine energy this allows us to become more centered as black women and be the center for our community and each other. Let’s make space for ourselves and create spaces for one another. We don’t have to wait on anyone to do it for us if we commit to seeing and hearing one another, first and make it a priority.

Peace & Blessings