So as I delve deeper into the subject of black women and our dynamics with other black women, it poses the question of: “Why do we interact with other women the way we do”? Does this stem back from our relationships with our mothers, grandmothers, or any maternal figure for that matter? Are we merely a reflection of the women in our family or community interacting with one another?
When I was doing my podcast “Drinks & Discussions”, I touched on this topic briefly when we were speaking about the relationships that we have with our mother and the types of friendships we witnessed them having. I understand that our mothers aren’t our “lil’ friends” but as daughters are they not our first interaction with another woman? And is there not an intersectionality between friendship and parenting? When you look at the definition of friendship, it’s defined as: Friendship is a close, voluntary relationship between two or more people that is built on trust, mutual respect, and caring for each other. Friendship isn’t defined by age, gender, or relationship. So as a mother or daughter ( or both) you’d hope there is a level of trust, respect, and care between the both. That in itself is a friendship. And in my opinion friendship seems to be the foundation for the strongest relationship. Even a romantic relationship thrives when you’re friends.
So I say all of that to say that as daughters our first relationship with another woman is our mother. Our mother’s influence the way we see ourselves, who we inspire to be or not be. They’re our first example of who a woman is and our first example on how to interact with other women. Our core beliefs about being a woman and womanhood stems from the influence of our mothers or maternal figures.
I read somewhere that our first experience of loss is when we’re separated from our mothers during the time of birth. That we possibly felt as one and complete when we were inside our mothers womb, and to be a daughter, early on we’re learning who our mother is through the way they raise us. We learn how protective they are or controlling. We learn how nurturing they are or detach. What we learn we unconsciously take on as well, whether we long for the intimacy and want to cling because we see the emotional unavailability. Or we learn to be independent and appreciate our alone times because we’re dealing with an overbearing mother. Regardless of what it is, this is what shapes us to be the women we are today and shapes our ideology of what it means to be a woman.
With that being said, this is going to influence the type of women we attract and build friendships with. What’s also going to shape this is how we see our mothers or maternal figures form bonds and relationships with other women. Seeing your mother being a social butterfly and being the draw within her friendship circles may have you believe that friendships are centered around you and surrounding yourself with a lot of friends. You may also find it quite easy to be sociable and extroverted. If you saw your mother stay to herself in her own bubble, then you may believe that friendships with other women aren’t that valuable. You may also have a stronger sense of self and you may not put too much on outside validation. However, it could be the opposite. You could shy away from having a lot of friends and value intimate engagements and settings, it all depends.
Typically how our mothers or maternal figures engage with us the same way they engage with other women. If you have a mother who’s hard to open up to because she’s judgmental, I’m sure she displays that same judgmental mentality among her social circle of women. We all are a witness to how our mothers deal with disagreements. Whether she shuts down and avoids, shrinks and doesn’t advocate for herself, or escalates it to a whole other level. The way we deal with disagreements is probably a reflection of how we deal with our mothers.
I used to be very opinionated…well I’m still probably opinionated but I’ve learned how to respect the opinions of others, and I can tell that the way I interact and communicate with other women in disagreements was a reflection of how I saw my mother. It was also a reflection of how my mother interacted with me in disagreements. I didn’t respond well to my opinions or views being challenged but I also recognized I didn’t like how my mother didn’t respond well whenever I disagreed or challenged her views. I had to, of course, do some inner work on why I responded this way because it went past just what I learned due to the fact that I didn’t like it when it was done to me. I finally understood that I felt like I had to communicate this way due to me feeling as though my views and opinion were not valued. If someone disagreed with me I felt like they were saying “You don’t know what you’re talking about” “You’re not smart enough to be in this conversation”. And that stemmed from how dismissive and diminishing my mother was with me if I ever disagreed with her.
Ultimately, the way we interact with other women comes from a foundation of nurturing, support, triggers, and traumas that come from our relationship with our mother. In episode 3 of “Her Mind Is Beautiful” podcast I touch on how the example of sisterhood affects the way we establish, maintain, and build our own sisterhood. That’s why I try to have an open and respectful relationship with my daughter. I respect her boundaries because I want her to understand that other females in her life should respect her boundaries as she should respect theirs. The seeds we plant now are what will bloom later. Remember that our mothers did the best that they could so there’s no blame to be placed but we have the opportunity to change the trajectory of how we create or establish a healthy, balanced, loving network of women.
How was your experience with your mother? Do you see the effects of your mothers influence in the way you maintain relationships with other women? What are the positives and the negatives? What would you like to shift and evolve?
PEACE & BLESSINGS
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